Asshole; n. The fundamental test and proving ground of humanity. A pile of feces dressed up and shambling across the countryside, leaking. The distillation of billions of years of bad behavior. The mistake that cannot solve itself. The example that isn’t. The reconciliation of infinite self loathing and limited years of existence. Your ticket to another trip around the wheel of life. The primary reason the devil has slept in late since the dawn of creation, that is to say, delegation. The last remaining man on Earth. Or woman. Only an asshole discriminates based on gender.
Atheist; n. What god sees when she looks in the mirror.
Beauty; n. One of humanity’s oldest deities, this tragic figure, either locked in a tower or kept in a cave, is eternally guarded over by the fraternal twins known as Pride and Shame.
Birth; v, n. 1. The movement from one thing to all things.
2. See Death.
Bar; n. A place people get together to be alone. Churches, libraries, and brothels also provide this service.
Bra; n. A subject to keep well abreast, as difficulty often disguises itself in the lingerie of simplicity and vice versa.
Book; n. The treasure chest that unlocks you.
Circle; n. 1.The combination of convex and concave; distinct by definition yet inseparable by nature.
2. See Universe
Cliché; n. The people’s phrase, always readily at hand, like a comfy throw pillow you just can’t bear to toss out.
Company; n. The box you put yourself into or find yourself in.
Crucible; v, n. 1. That which defines you.
2. See Universe.
Death; v, n. 1.The collection of all your boxes placed into just two – sometimes set aflame, sometimes not.
2. The movement of all things into one thing.
3. See Birth.
Expert; n. Everyone but you.
Faith; v,n. Dwelling place of both Lord and Goddess – the indomitable castle in which their daughter, Hope, makes her last stand.
Fame; n. A love story where each partner is both giver and taker, yet eternally unsatisfied.
Fight; v, n. A ring with four corners combatants always retreat to.
Friend; n. You.
Fool; n. What you transform into the second you claim to be wise.
Goddess; n. 1. That stunning bitch who can divide by zero in her head but would rather smoke a joint with a friend.
2. See friend.
Hero; n. 1. A fool, properly motivated.
a. Said fool, fortunate.
b. Said fool, deceased.
c. Said fool, both fortunate and deceased.
2. A thin layer, once scratched, revealing a villain.
3. A villain, properly backlit.
4. A broad category covering villains past, revised and updated.
5. A broad category covering noble ancestors, ignored and minimized.
6. A convenient category one places those that do what one cannot or will not.
7. A citizen, rightly informed.
Hope; v,n. Daughter of possibility and faith.
Humanity; n. The universes’ tool to make all tools; a cosmic Swiss army knife.
Idea; v, n. The end product of humanity – as indestructible as matter and energy and far more precious.
Intellectual; n. Just one of many species facing extinction.
I oft reply when asked of me,
what words you use to label thee?
Expert generalist is my reply divine
and herein is how I define:
reason wed to curious comportment
a facile grasp of what’s important
facing a subject ignorance doth show
we resort to the wisdom of
“I don’t know.”
P. Bogomil
Jackpot; n. The result someone who is pushing your buttons and cranking your lever hopes for.
Knowledge; n, v. See Fame.
Leash; n. The whip with a slave attached at both ends.
Library; n. The preferred afterlife of forests.
Logic; n, v. The frequentative flutter of fitful flight forestalling the fateful fall.
Lord; n. 1. That magnificent bastard a goddess wants to hang out with.
2. See Friend.
Love; adj, v, n. The one thing there is always time for. That which you get by giving; how you get by being got.
Mind; n. 1. Something precious you are tasked with improving.
2. See Purse.
3. See Universe.
Money; n. See Fame.
Nothing; n, v. 1.The something that isn’t.
2. The universe’s graveyard.
3. Where all the interesting stuff happens. Or doesn’t.
Oubliette; n. The opening, passageway, and final destination of the forgotten.
Pain; n. See Crucible.
Penis; n. The hammer of god.
Possibility; n. The father of doubt and the mother of hope.
Purse; n. A bottomless pit filled with mystery.
Tower; n. An inverted oubliette in every way, except destination.
Universe; n. 1.The box you cannot look into before jumping.
2. The box you cannot climb out of.
3. See Mind. (Ed. note: This bears some correlation with Birth and Death, above.)
White Supremacy; n. That part of the pimple indicative of trouble below; just prior to a certain future – the only thing worse than a racist asshole is the letter p.
Word; n. A sacred thing you are nonetheless encouraged to play with.
