By any other name

From the journal of Mathilda “Mad dog Mattie” Shelley.

I was a girl.

At an age well before any awareness of the passions and dreams of a woman, and yet I would dream of a man. A particular man. He was mine. He was not paternal, nor a brother, nor a friend, but I loved him. I did not understand love. I did not seek it. But it was strong. It distracted me when I was awake, and the discomfort it gave me sometimes caused me to wish it away. It has never left me.

He had a pale face framed by thick dark hair. His voice rumbled like water, and echoed in my mind long after he spoke. In his presence I felt the warmth of his love.

Only once have I seen hands as strong as his.

Although I try not to, I know I still seek him.

When we first meet we will hardly touch. That will be later, very much later.

We have plenty of time and will wait for the moment.

I will hold your hand, put my head on your shoulder, and feel the warmth of your presence.

That is all I crave. For now.

To me you are a man in a movie or a photograph. I visit you often and you speak to me of yourself. You explain yourself to me – the way a close friend does when you are giving an honest description of yourself. My fascination with you, in that movie, has not left me.

I remember well my feelings, as a girl, when I knew I would meet you. I knew that I would blush, betray my dreams, and the monsters in my basement.

The banshee. The wail that has never left me. Somehow I know you are there, as well.

I had a clear view of you. I tried not to stare. I was dazzled by you. You are beautiful.

But I cannot remember you.

I can only remember the movie.

When will I see you again?

In the mirror?

On the web?

Behind the wheel of a car?

In a hotel room?

I will be dressed in clothes that betray me.

As they always do.

20 Years Earlier.

She opened the door and saw the SUV drive away.

Then she cried at her feet. Shirley looked down and saw the most beautiful thing in her entire life.

She forgot about the SUV. The child wailed. Shirley was amazed at how much sound came out of something so small.

She leaned down and picked up the car carrier. She fell instantly and completely in love.

“Shhhhh. Shhhh. Honey. It’s ok. It’s alright. You’re going to be fine Mathilda.” She was very surprised to hear herself say that name.

She took Mathilda inside and closed the door.

And never told anyone what happened.

Especially Mathilda.