He’s the debbil I say

A worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.

When it comes to my atheism, I do my best to tread the line between being frank and unashamed about it and not being an asshole as I do so to those who believe. I freely admit that I have tottered off that line from time to time in the past. To be fair, my transgressions pale in comparison to how far past that line the followers of the three “great” religions have strayed. This is true even for mundane assholishness – I’ve never knocked on someone’s door and offered them a copy of Free Inquiry, is all I’m saying. All that may be changing.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to put on a suit and start knocking on doors to spread the good word about nothing. Quite the opposite. I’m saying that I might have to seriously start questioning my atheism. What?! I hear you who know me say – this has to be some sort of trick, a hook, if you will. You’re not wrong, but hear me out. You see, I’m forced to give this a hearing by the tenets of what I hold dear.

The salient one being evidence. And boy is that a biggie. You might call it the biggest. The bedrock of my atheism rests on a lack of evidence for any kind of god. I used to hew rather closely to Spinoza’s idea of a diety – one indistinguishable from nature. In fact, I had a one on one encounter with my company commander during basic training over what I chose to have printed on my dog tags in the spot reserved for religion: Pantheist. After asking for a definition (What the f#$k is a pantheist?), his central concern was whether there were any observances or practices that my religion required, especially on death (What do I do with your worthless carcass?).

They were dog tags after all. I essentially told him it was a philosophical stance and for all practical purposes non religious. (The warriors who fought for their country, and bled, have sunk to their rest, the damp earth is their bed, no stone tells the place where their ashes repose, nor points out the spot from the graves of their foes. – Longfellow).  I’ll never forget the look on his face. I couldn’t tell if it was amusement, bewilderment, or disgust. Perhaps it was their combination. How does all this fit into my evidence requirement? Look around, not only is there nature all around you, you are nature. That’s pretty good for the evidence requirement. What caused me to move away from calling myself a pantheist was the realization that I could be satisfied with nature and there need not be any kind of god attached (trying to shoehorn in him/her/it needlessly complicates things), even a universally dispersed one.

My need for evidence has remained. While I see no evidence of any kind of god, personal or otherwise, I’m recently forced to admit that there is some compelling evidence for the existence of his Christian adversary, the devil.  By the code I’ve adopted, if there is compelling evidence for me to believe in a god, then due to the definition of the world compel, I’d have to accept it. If Satan exists, then I am forced to accept that God does, or at least did at one time. Hey, you never know, it’s been a bit since the bronze age, things may have changed.

So what’s my evidence that the devil, does here on Earth, exist? Come on, you have to see it coming.

Instead of appearing all red, He has chosen to manifest in orange. Why not? It’s close on the spectrum. But let’s not allow judgement to rest on superficial appearances. Unfortunately for me, there is other evidence.

First, nicknames. If I recall correctly from sunday bible school, the devil is also known as the prince of lies. Given Trump and his, let’s call it acrobatic, relationship with the truth, you might think this one is a no brainer. However, I don’t know whether it is the quantity or the quality of lies that is the determinative factor when conferring royalty. If it is only the former than he must be at the very least a prince. If quality is any factor at all, I think he drops to no higher than a duke and if it is the determinative factor, he’s barely a lady in waiting. Let’s call that one intriguing and move on.

What else? Well, he murders scripture. I think I recall one of those bible school lessons saying the devil was incapable of speaking the word of God. Kind of like garlic for vampires. Also not conclusive, so what else?  Surely Lucifer would epitomize the cardinal vices, right? For those of you without any Catholic school exposure (or read Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales – in this case the parson’s) the cardinal vices are more commonly known as the seven deadly sins. So how does Trump match up? Let’s go through them shall we?

Pride. Are you kidding me? This man cannot shut up about winning* the election. Or anything else which he thinks makes him look good. He holds a rally whenever it’s wounded. Need more proof? Ask him about his tiny hands.

Greed. Again, are you kidding me. Seriously. Let’s call the evidence on this one incontrovertible.

Lust. Ok, we’re on a roll here. Instead of the low hanging brea…er, fruit of the Stormy Daniels affair, let’s pick the most shining example. He likes the way his daughter looks. I think that is about all we need to say.

Envy. One need test this merely by putting up a cardboard life sized cut-out of the previous president and watch Trump’s reaction to the applause the cut out gets from the rest of the world compared to him. Now imagine how the real Obama must make him feel.

Gluttony. Christ on a pogo stick, have you seen the size of this man’s ass? Ok, ok, there’s more kinds of gluttony than just how many double quarter pounders with cheese you can stuff down your gobhole while watching Hannity. Given his proclivities though, I’m willing to bet he’s a contender here as well.

Sloth.  Most people think of sloth as a general grubbiness. But as I went digging I came across this, from of course, wikipedia:

The word “sloth” is a translation of the Latin term acedia (Middle English, accidie) and means “without care”. Spiritually,acedia first referred to an affliction attending religious persons, especially monks, wherein they became indifferent to their duties and obligations to God. Mentally, acedia, has a number of distinctive components of which the most important is affectlessness, a lack of any feeling about self or other, a mind-state that gives rise to boredom, rancor, apathy, and a passive inert or sluggish mentation. Physically, acedia is fundamentally with a cessation of motion and an indifference to work; it finds expression in laziness, idleness, and indolence. Two commentators consider the most accurate translation of acedia to be “self-pity,” for it “conveys both the melancholy of the condition and self-centeredness upon which it is founded.

So, after careful consideration of the rapidly accumulating evidence (not just Meuller’s), there’s only one thing I can think of to say:

Holy shit.

I mean that.

Snollygaster; Someone sneaky, selfish, dishonest.

A Bad Habit

I have a bad habit.

I read the comment section of facebook posts. I must be a closet masochist. The pain resides in the cognitive dissonance generated between what I read and my belief that human beings are rational, reasonable, pragmatic problem solvers capable of, what was up until that moment, impossible or undreamt. Believe me, I see the irony when I mock religion.

I used to lie to myself when I engaged with them – the easy lie that a well built argument, or a particularly well executed rhetorical judo throw would perhaps, maybe, plant a seed that would reach for the light. But we all know better.

In my more charitable moments I tell myself it’s a reaction to the ugliness of blatant untruth. As if you overheard someone in an elevator sincerely espouse a belief that the moon is made of cream cheese. I snort, I roll my eyes, I go through the dance of explaining how the moon was actually formed (fascinating, by the way), but all of this is for my benefit, not the ignorant fool who thinks no one would starve on the moon. Part of it is the pleasing tones of my own voice – I’m no less immune to this then the other guy. Part is a self appointed ethos of not letting egregious bullshit go without rebuttal. Part of me also just enjoys verbal combat. I don’t take it personally when it’s used effectively against me either – on the contrary, if it’s really good, or novel, I’ll steal it for my own use. But I digress.

Jimi Hendrix said that knowledge speaks and wisdom listens. I also believe that one is a fool who deals with fools. I tell myself both of these things whenever I’m tempted to weigh in on a thread, especially when I don’t know the fool in question. Unfortunately, the fools have gotten control of something they neither understand nor respect. Namely, our modern civilization. They do not understand that civilization (is, was, and ever shall be) exists balanced on a knife’s edge. History is the study of the ruins that prove this truth. Ask a Syrian refugee. Ask any refugee.

The repeating history of humanity is of a small group of people dictating the quality of life for the rest. We live in a country founded on this principal – we make that small group as large as possible. The fools are being led by those who want to go back to that small number, for some that number being as small as one. At the risk of sounding foolish, it’s really just that simple. So the question then becomes, do we deal with the fools and thereby through the commutative law of foolery we become fools as well, or do we deal with their greedy/evil/deluded/combination of all three leaders?

That’s a trick question. Because we have to do both. The fools are our responsibility. They are our fellow citizens. As much as it is tempting to say “I wash my hands of you” the truth is we cannot. Left to their own devices, well, you see the ongoing tragedy that only deepens and worsens each day. I know how difficult this is going to be. I have family that, while none I know of are rabid supporters, do in fact support what little they think they know of what is going on, which is horrifying enough.

Making phone calls, protesting, giving money to the cause, and especially voting are all necessary. I just can’t shake this nagging feeling that it won’t be enough. Those who are behind the fools can smell the blood in the water and they’re not going to be put off their feed through any of the normal methods. Our would be feudal lords don’t give a bloody fuck about protesting in the streets when they outright own one party and are leasing with the option to buy too many in the other. They care if you vote, in the same way Putin cares that his citizens vote. They care more about their continued profits and power. They sure do care when all that is threatened.

I think there will come a time for a nationwide strike. A day when, oh, I’d be thrilled to see 45% of the entire workforce (those whose absence is ethically sound) not go into work that day. They don’t want to work for the benefit of all? Let’s not work for them for a day or more. Now,I realize that just about everyone cannot afford a day without pay, they like it that way so you’ll continue to show up. Do it right and we could even get some companies to agree to pay their employees that day. They can afford to pay for a glass of milk so long as they’re assured the cow is coming back to the barn.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if on that day, we all learned something new? Maybe a refresher course on how our government works. A day when we contemplate the great civilizations of the past – and where they went wrong so we may avoid their mistakes. But I’m not picky, anything that increases your store of knowledge and teaches the wisdom of listening will do.

I don’t know, maybe learn how the moon was formed.

One more time – Chapter one: wyfysotosoyod

I’ve tried writing this down a few times now. I keep getting hung up in the beginning, which isn’t like me. Finishing things is usually my problem. My particular specialty is leaving things hanging so the only thing one can do is call it an ending. Obviously, this story isn’t over yet so I suppose the only thing my subconscious can do is sabotage the beginning.

I say fuck my subconscious.

Try again.

I guess what’s bothering me is there’s no way to prove I’m not just whistling Rachmaninoff out of my asshole. You’ll have to take my word for it that the flight of bumblebees issuing forth is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but one of many truths. The other option is my head is so far down my own navel I can see daylight when I open my mouth.

Do you begin to see my problem? This is so fucking crazy I sound defensive before I even get to anything one can call a beginning.

Try again.

There is something else bothering me as well. You, everyone you know, and billions upon billions (in my best Carl Sagan voice) more that you don’t and never will, you’re not special. Not even a little. Now don’t get me wrong, everyone is unique, but so is every grain of sand. While the beach may be gorgeous, no particular grain of sand stands out. You’re not special. No matter what you’ve done, big, small, or in between, is special.

I, on the other hand….

What the hell are you talking about?, I hear you say. You wouldn’t have a fondness for ketamine and cocaine by any chance? No and screw you. I don’t drink much either. Well, this Me, anyway. So that’s the other thing. Now that I’m going to have to distinguish between Me and not me, the observant among you will notice that I went ahead and claimed the capital M. I reserve the right to be the one to tell this particular version of what happened to Me.

And by extension, all of you.

Let me back up. Not all the way back, just to the part where I heard my doorbell ring.

It was a grey November day in the pacific northwest. They say the Inuit people that live in the Arctic have a hundred words for snow. It isn’t true but they say that. I’ve been trying to do justice to the many different kinds of rain here in Oregon and that particular morning the precipation was something I like to call a “drist.” Oregon drizzling mist isn’t precisely cold but it isn’t warm either. It’s like being wrapped in a cloudbank while the occasional water sprite tickles any exposed flesh. I live in a two bedroom 1924 craftsman I bought with the help of a small trust left to me by my grandparents. I’m twice divorced and teach high school science for another ten years until I can retire without worrying (much) about eating Alpo out of the can for the rest of my life. This should go far in explaining my liberal use of the word fuck. I didn’t grow up anywhere close to Oregon but I’ve lived here long enough to pass for moss on the tree. It was the first day of Thanksgiving break.

The doorbell rang.

It was late in the morning.

I shambled to the front door and opened it without bothering to look outside first. That was a mistake. Was it a politician? Jehovah’s Witness? A girl scout? I wish.

It was me. Not Me. But me.

Not surprisingly, he knew Me well enough to let Me sleep in.

I reacted, I like to think, well. I didn’t freak out. I did stand there simply gawking for a good second or ten. He gave me that lopsided smile I use right before I’m going to apologize for something and fluttered his fingertips at me, as you might to a small child. He said nothing, letting me get in a good hard stare. It didn’t take long for me to start looking for the gag, this having to be the mother of all practical jokes. Almost as soon as I entertained the thought, I knew it wasn’t candid camera. Speaking of mothers, at no point did I think he was a twin I never knew. The idea that my mother would or could keep that kind of information to herself is beyond imagining.

It was me.

It was clearly me. Where mine is almost military short and parted on the left, his hair was long, about shoulder height, parted down the middle and swept at the sides. Like me, his sideburns were short and he was clean shaven. He was starting to go grey like me, at the crown with a dusting at the temples. He wore jeans, a pair of black leather shoes styled like sneakers, and a grey v-necked sweater under a plain black jacket. He looked like a middle aged roadie on a reunion tour with some 70’s soft rock band. One of those named after a city or state. Kansas. Boston maybe. There were no visible logos or brand names on anything he wore. Other than perhaps the jeans, I didn’t own any of those clothes.

Want me to show you our appendectomy scar?” He asked.

What can I tell you about how one reacts when they find themselves on the other side of their own door? Well for one thing, I can tell you it was much easier for me to look at him than it was to hear him speak. You know the feeling. Remember the first time you heard your own voice played back to you in a recording? For some, I know this happened to you so young that you can’t. But for the rest of us, it has that uncanny valley quality of almost, but not quite, right. Intensify that feeling by an order of magnitude. He recognized the look on my face and gave a low throat chuckle I give to students who show up at the end of the day to turn in an assignment they forgot.

That was when I opened the door and let him in.

He patted me on the shoulder as he passed and waited as I closed the door behind us. Yes, I had a half hundred questions, but I found myself instead ruling things out in my head. He wasn’t a spooky similar cousin. He was my age, or close enough not to matter, so it wasn’t a younger version of myself, or if he was, not far from the past, or the future for that matter. See? Fucking crazy. But I read and go to the movies, so this is the sort of shit you reach for When You Find Yourself Standing On The Other Side Of Your Own Door. wyfysotosoyod. Hmmm. Needs work.

I didn’t offer to take his jacket and he didn’t take it off so I gave him that awkward gesture you make to a relative that comes visiting unexpectedly for the first time -this way, if you will – I think is the best translation for it. I led him into my living room that was spacious by 1924 standards and he ambled over to my bookshelves. It’s something I find myself doing whenever I’m in someone’s home for the first time. I think I’m slightly above average in the looks department but that isn’t why I couldn’t keep my eyes off the guy; it was as if I was watching a shaky street magician and if I paid close enough attention, I’d catch him palming a card.

I still hadn’t spoken a word to him.

Coffee?” I asked. He pulled a book from my shelf and turned to me. “Please.” He replied. As I went over to the pantry I caught the title, it was my 1995 reprinting of The Cambridge Biographical Encyclopedia by David Crystal. It sits right next to The American Heritage Dictionary of Science in my library. For a fleeting moment I thought I caught a whiff of Rod Serling’s cigarette lingering in my pantry as I opened the door. The Twilight Zone was one explanation. My doppleganger’s book choice made me think it was something else.

I kept my silence as I stalked around the kitchen. My house is not what you would call expansive. It was originally built by people with different sensibilities, which is why I’d knocked out the wall between the kitchen and the dining room soon after I moved into the place and put a small countertop island where it once stood. He carred the encyclopedia to the island and sat down in one of the two seats, facing into the kitchen. I filled the water reservoir for the coffee maker from the tap, poured grounds into the wire mesh basket, dug out a clean spoon and hunted for two clean mugs. During that time, I kept a careful eye on my guest, who seemed entrenched in my encyclopedia. He was interested in the A’s for a bit, and then the E’s. He noticed me watching him and smiled again. Part of me assumed he was just trying to put me at ease but all that smiling was making me uneasy.

You’re taking this remarkably well. Have it figured out do we?” He said.

Coffee first, if you don’t mind.” It came out harsher than I intended.

Fair enough. I know how it is.” He grinned and went back to the encyclopedia.

I poured out two measures, not quite the way I like it, and slid one over to him. My mug was the last remaining of a set of four, the other three having met tragic fates over the years. I gave him one that read “Rise and Shine Bitches!” I sipped at mine, eyeballing him over the edge of my mug. He took his cup without looking at me and put his lips to the rim. He was in the M’s. He took another drink and looked up at me from the book. Then he stood and walked over to my faded blue tupperware sugar bowl on the counter behind me, poured a healthy amount into his cup, added a similar amount to my own, and then ambled back to his seat across the island from me.

Last test.” I said. “Tell me about the sugar bowl.”

Same one we had growing up. Recognized it immediately when I saw it on the counter.”

Ok. I concede that you and I are in fact the same person. At least up to a point.” I waited to see if that last sentence made an impact. He nodded. “Who are you expecting to see in that encyclopedia that you don’t? Or is it the other way around?” I asked.

Doing pretty well so far.” He said.

Do you have a ship? Or is it something else?” I asked.

A ship? Where would I be traveling from?”

You tell me.”

But you’re doing so well. I’m really interested to see if you’ve noodled it out. The encyclopedia is telling but not definitive. Same holds for my knowledge of mid sixties tupperware.”

You could be trying to see if people from history you’re familiar with are represented, either at all, or in the way you remember. That would imply you’re a time traveler. But that’s not it is it? I have an idea but I want you to confirm it. Not only where you’re from but why you’re here. It only makes sense the two are connected. But I could be wrong. I’m half expecting you to sprout tentacles from your fingertips and eat my brain.” I said.

He laughed, not the fake one I use with the vice principal. “Is that why you tucked that knife into your waistband when you were reaching for the mugs? You thought I wasn’t watching you just as closely? Don’t worry. I’m not a brain eating alien. And I’m not a time traveler. I’m you. A you from another universe.” He took another sip from his mug. I made a ‘go on’ gesture with mine.

The many-worlds hypothesis that posits a multiverse, each one a consequence of whether Schroedinger’s cat is alive or dead – do you know it?” He asked me.

You’re proof that it’s true.”

I am.” He said.

Where do our paths divurge?”

Earlier than you’d think, it looks like. What’s your last name?”

Hall. What’s your’s?” I asked.

Savage.” He replied.

Mom’s maiden name. I assume you’re David as well?”

Dave.” He answered.

I put my coffee down, reached across the island and held out my hand. “It’s weird to meet you Dave.”

He put his coffee down and held out his own. He looked sad as we shook. “Weird? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

I should have stabbed him in the neck.

Because that’s when the bastard killed me.